Punkin went to the dentist for the first time about 2 weeks ago now. She was amazing.
One of the things I asked the dentist about was those 2 bottom front teeth that are still missing (the lower lateral incisors, FYI). The dentist asked about family history (no, we all grew them. She is the lone freak) and her general tooth growing activities (they come in groups, and came in late), and then reassured me that she may never grow those 2 teeth in.
Never?
Well, he said, she might not get them as baby teeth. And we need not worry about whether she has them as adult teeth until her late teens - between 17 and 20, we'll figure out that they'll never come in, and then deal with a bridge or caps then.
My heart nearly stopped. The dentist was so blasé about the whole thing. And me, being the obsessive-compulsive Mommy? I'm obsessing about these damn teeth. And my lack of extended medical.
Anyhow. He praised her for growing all 4 second molars at the same time (one through, and 3 with flat, whitened gums to show they're coming in). He poked and prodded at those lateral incisors (or at least, the soft gum where they should be) and shrugged. There was nothing there that he could tell, and he had the ticky-tacky metal pokey tool.
So imagine my surprise when I was showing off her one erupted molar and the three 'look they're growing' molar spots to Beaker and I saw the telltale flat, whitened gums where there'd previously just squishy pink gums noting the absence of those lower lateral incisors. I ran my finger nail across the spot, and could feel a tooth. I poked around on the other side, and felt another tooth.
Right when we'd all given up hope that those 2 damn teeth would come in, they showed up underneath her gums, taunting us all. I fully expected that they would recede back so she was just soft squishy gum again, but on Sunday, I was inspecting her mouth again, and it looked suspiciously like she had a hole. So I ran my nail across the gum again and sure enough, the left lower lateral incisor is through the gums!
It looks to me as though it is coming in just fine, but my Mum, after thorough messing about in Punkin's mouth, thinks it's coming in sideways. I guess we'll see in the next few days.
It's hard for me to believe that she might actually be caught up and normal in the tooth department soon. Because she was pre-term, I expected her to be small. She's a giant. I expected her to be scrawny. She has the meatiest thighs I've ever seen on a toddler (poor kid). I expected some developmental delays with language. She has the comprehension and language of a 5 year old. I expected issues with her eyesight. So far, her vision is excellent (first optometrist visit upcoming though). I expected there to be something wrong because she was pre-term. So far she's either completely normal, or above average. So I figured the teeth were going to be the issue. And now, it seems, they really aren't.
I mean, unless that incisor grows in sideways. Then I'll start calling her Fang again.
Wednesday, November 04, 2009
Saturday, October 31, 2009
Bad Things (13)
I stumbled into the dark OR changeroom. I'd managed to tear myself away from Will, just barely, and sent him on his way. I stood in my bra and scrub bottoms, pulling scrubs from my locker. I hadn't bothered to turn the lights on, as the space beneath the door was large enough to let enough light from the hall in for me to see what I was doing. The dark and quiet were soothing after the crazed evening.
The door swung open. I blinked and waited for the lights to be turned on. Nothing. The door clicked shut again without a sound, but I hadn't heard anyone enter. I realized who'd come in when I felt the width of his cool chest against the bare skin of my shoulders and felt his fangs sink into my neck. I gasped with the pain. He was angry. It wouldn't have hurt if he'd been feeling amorous.
"Who is he, Alexandra?" I could feel him spraying my neck with my own blood as he hissed at me. I struggled, uselessly.
"You're hurting me." I whispered.
"As much as it hurt to see you kissing him?"
"It was nothing. He's a friend from high school."
"I didn't realize sticking your tongue halfway down someone's throat was a common way of saying hello to old acquaintances."
"Chris, you're hurting me. Besides. It's not like I'm anything but your shagging buddy." I snapped and pushed back from the locker. He leaned his weight into me more heavily, and started licking the wound on my neck. I knew from experience it would be no more than a bruise when we headed back to the unit.
"I think of you as more than a bed friend, Xandra. You know that." The licking became kissing, and the familiar butterflies in my stomach started, just as the did every time he kissed me.
"No. You say I am more than your nookie pal, but no one knows we're together. It's like you are ashamed. Will didn't stop to think if it was embarrassing to kiss me. He didn't haul me to a super secret hidden on-call room. He just kissed me. Without regard for who may or may not see." I pushed away from my locker to unpin myself. He allowed me to move. I spun around and glared before I pulled the fresh scrub top on, then changed my pants. I tossed my bloody scrubs into the biohazard garbage. There was no way I was ever getting the blood out of them.
Even in the dim light I could tell Chris was still enraged. His fists were clenched at his side. Even though I knew he didn't need to breathe, I could hear angry sighs and see his shoulders rising and falling. His posture was tense. I stared him down, just as annoyed.
"I'm going back to work, Dr. Eriksson. I refuse to have a battle of wills with you in a dark room." I brushed past him and headed back down to the ER. Will was still there, except now he was in scrubs and a lab coat. I shot a puzzled look at Karen as I sat down at the nurses station.
"He got pulled from the bus and told to come on duty because of how slammed we are. He says you guys went to high school together? Lucky girl." She winked. I shrugged and started charting on the eviscerated dead guy. I looked up when I saw Chris walk back into the unit. He scowled when he saw Will and abruptly turned headed in my direction.
"Xandra, do you have the chart for the evisceration?" He asked.
"Sure." I handed it over. Will walked over at the mention of the case. Chris scribbled something in the chart and handed it back to me.
"Thank you, my love." He leaned down and kissed my forehead. Karen choked on her coffee. Will dropped his stethoscope. I simply raised an eyebrow.
"By the way, Dr. Carlson?" Chris turned to face Will.
"Yes, Dr. Eriksson?" Will fumbled with his stethoscope a bit.
"I would prefer if you refrained from asking my girlfriend out on dates." A stunned silence fell across all the staff in the ER.
I wanted to crawl under the desk and die.
The door swung open. I blinked and waited for the lights to be turned on. Nothing. The door clicked shut again without a sound, but I hadn't heard anyone enter. I realized who'd come in when I felt the width of his cool chest against the bare skin of my shoulders and felt his fangs sink into my neck. I gasped with the pain. He was angry. It wouldn't have hurt if he'd been feeling amorous.
"Who is he, Alexandra?" I could feel him spraying my neck with my own blood as he hissed at me. I struggled, uselessly.
"You're hurting me." I whispered.
"As much as it hurt to see you kissing him?"
"It was nothing. He's a friend from high school."
"I didn't realize sticking your tongue halfway down someone's throat was a common way of saying hello to old acquaintances."
"Chris, you're hurting me. Besides. It's not like I'm anything but your shagging buddy." I snapped and pushed back from the locker. He leaned his weight into me more heavily, and started licking the wound on my neck. I knew from experience it would be no more than a bruise when we headed back to the unit.
"I think of you as more than a bed friend, Xandra. You know that." The licking became kissing, and the familiar butterflies in my stomach started, just as the did every time he kissed me.
"No. You say I am more than your nookie pal, but no one knows we're together. It's like you are ashamed. Will didn't stop to think if it was embarrassing to kiss me. He didn't haul me to a super secret hidden on-call room. He just kissed me. Without regard for who may or may not see." I pushed away from my locker to unpin myself. He allowed me to move. I spun around and glared before I pulled the fresh scrub top on, then changed my pants. I tossed my bloody scrubs into the biohazard garbage. There was no way I was ever getting the blood out of them.
Even in the dim light I could tell Chris was still enraged. His fists were clenched at his side. Even though I knew he didn't need to breathe, I could hear angry sighs and see his shoulders rising and falling. His posture was tense. I stared him down, just as annoyed.
"I'm going back to work, Dr. Eriksson. I refuse to have a battle of wills with you in a dark room." I brushed past him and headed back down to the ER. Will was still there, except now he was in scrubs and a lab coat. I shot a puzzled look at Karen as I sat down at the nurses station.
"He got pulled from the bus and told to come on duty because of how slammed we are. He says you guys went to high school together? Lucky girl." She winked. I shrugged and started charting on the eviscerated dead guy. I looked up when I saw Chris walk back into the unit. He scowled when he saw Will and abruptly turned headed in my direction.
"Xandra, do you have the chart for the evisceration?" He asked.
"Sure." I handed it over. Will walked over at the mention of the case. Chris scribbled something in the chart and handed it back to me.
"Thank you, my love." He leaned down and kissed my forehead. Karen choked on her coffee. Will dropped his stethoscope. I simply raised an eyebrow.
"By the way, Dr. Carlson?" Chris turned to face Will.
"Yes, Dr. Eriksson?" Will fumbled with his stethoscope a bit.
"I would prefer if you refrained from asking my girlfriend out on dates." A stunned silence fell across all the staff in the ER.
I wanted to crawl under the desk and die.
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Bad Things (12)
Working in the ER was a challenge, but I found my footing quickly, was learning something new every shift and found the straight nights oddly intriguing. Weekends are always hell in the ER, but sometimes during the mid-week lull, when there weren't 25 people clogging up the waiting room, it was oddly peaceful. It could have just been that I was slowing down to a quick walk instead of being on the dead run, but on those nights that were what we would deem quiet, were we not so superstitious that we would ruin things by saying so, it was a great job.
Being happy in my work, and moving around more than I had in the operating room, I found more of the weight dropping off me. My scrubs were actually getting too big. I wasn't doing as much exercise on my off time, but the pace in the ER, combined with eating healthier was doing me a world of good. The only thing that was really strained in my life was my bizarre relationship with Chris.
When we worked together, I wanted to be in his pocket, I desired him so badly. I hated it when he wasn't working my cases because I wanted to spend my entire shift listening to the lilt of his voice, feeling the coolness of his skin. It distracted me from my work. Not enough that I was making mistakes, but enough that I would catch a glimpse of him and become distracted momentarily. Which wasn't pleasant for the patient if I was starting an IV. Most of our shifts found us sneaking off to an on-call room for a quickie. Not exactly the kind of girl I'd ever been before, but there was something about Chris that made me more daring. I teased him that he had some weird sexual power over me, which he denied, but I wasn't so sure he was telling the truth. I simply craved him when he was near.
When we weren't working together, though, I didn't want to be near him. I dreaded him showing up at my house on days off, or running into him while I was out in the evenings. I couldn't stop myself from revisiting situations when we'd been together, and thinking that I didn't act like myself when we were together. I was so stand-offish away from work that even though most of our co-workers suspected something was going on with us, no one believed it was possible. As far as they knew, we didn't spend time together away from work, and so most people assumed it was an innocent flirtation, where the hot doctor was making the fat wallflower feel better about herself. If only they knew I wasn't the one doing the pursuing.
I found I was engaged in a battle of wills with myself. While I was certainly not going to deny enjoying what occurred when Chris and I would sneak off during break time, I didn't enjoy that the relationship we'd developed only occurred in working hours. I didn't enjoy that when he wasn't around, I found his intentions questionable. And I didn't enjoy knowing that if he lost control I could die. There was so much about him that terrified me. And eventually, that distrust and fear started to breakdown whatever 'spell' I found myself under when we were together. I'd been expecting the enchantment I felt to break for a while, but it surprised me how it did.
It was a hellishly busy night. It had been the first snow of the season, and while in mid-November that wasn't unexpected, there was always a rash of accidents after the snow flew the first time, before people got their winter tires on. To make matters worse, it was a Friday, and a full moon. A new ambulance would arrive almost as quickly as the ambulance bay would clear. We were running off our feet, and there was talk of calling in extra staff and an extra doctor, it was so busy.
I was handing over a prescription to a patient I was discharging. I'd shuffled her out of the curtain she was behind and was giving her discharge orders in the hallway so that the bed could be cleaned faster. I heard an ambulance siren pulling into the bay, and saw Chris and another nurse running for the doors. Obviously the patient in the bus was a mess of some sort.
"Xandra! We'll need you at bed three as soon as they bring this guy in. Grab the crash cart, move the bed!" Chris called to me as he ran by. I smiled apologetically at the girl and ran. I hauled the cart across the ER to the bed I'd just cleared. I was popping the breaks off and shoving the bed down the hall away from the ambulance bay when the stretcher came flying in. There was an paramedic straddling a large man doing chest compressions, which, while it makes for exciting TV, is not something you see in the average ER. His partner was rattling off report to Chris. Karen, the nurse who'd given me my orientation, was switching out IV bags while running. She didn't see to stop when the stretcher did, and bumped hard into the wall.
Chris was into the crash cart immediately and started yelling directions. I hadn't heard the diagnosis of the patient, so it surprised me to see the paramedic was sitting on a blue absorbent pad. I flipped the edge of it and saw a completely saturated large abdominal dressing.
"Uh? Dr. Eriksson? Are you aware this paramedic is sitting on an abdominal wound?" I was passing things to Chris as quickly as he asked for them.
"The partner said there was a laceration. Can you see how bad it is?"
"We're gonna need as many units of blood as we can get, stat. There's a 12 by 36 pad underneath him that is completely soaked." I responded.
"Karen, run!" Chris ordered. Karen dropped what she was doing and headed to the lab.
"What the hell were you thinking?" Chris asked the paramedic, who was still doing compressions.
"I was thinking my ass was the best pressure dressing money could buy, Doctor. Any better ideas?"
Chris seemed taken back by the answer. And then thoughtfully, he nodded.
"Good call. But we need to get you off him so I can assess the wound." Chris shrugged. The paramedic slung his leg back like he was dismounting a horse. He stumbled a little, and fell into me. I caught his hand as he turned to face me, and was struck by how familiar he looked.
"Xan?" He looked astonished. I couldn't quite place him, but his voice was suddenly familiar.
"Who-"
"Alexandra Summers? Holy shit! It's been so long!" He threw his bloody arms around me, much to my disgust, and hugged me. He gave a short squeeze at the end and I recognized the style of hug. My high school crush, Will Carlson. Who'd only ever hugged me once, but I was so smitten that it was forever seared into my memory.
"Will?" I pushed him away to look up at him. Yup. Will Carlson indeed. A little older but still handsome in that rugged, needed to shave and enjoyed Molson Canadian way. He was just a bit shorter than Chris, but otherwise the total opposite. Where Chris was blonde, and trendy and brooding, Will had short dark hair, stubble, a cheek dimple that was always visible because he was always smiling. Just like he'd been in high school. He was still built like an athlete. Will had played hockey in high school. He was on the local junior team, and I'd heard he had a hockey scholarship somewhere in the States, but otherwise hadn't heard much about him since. He held me at arms length, assessing me. He smiled broadly and pulled me into another hug.
"You look fantastic, Xan. We need to catch up."
"Can I have my nurse back please?" Chris asked from behind Will. Will let go of me and looked sheepish. I side-stepped around him and went back to answering every command Chris barked at me until finally, he realized there was no hope and called time of death. I'd been worried about my scrubs after Will had hugged me, but they were worse by the time Chris and I stopped working on the guy. Chris stomped away, furious.
"Dr. Eriksson?" I followed him out into the hallway. He slammed his palm against the wall and cursed. I put my hand on his shoulder. He turned around, fangs out, eyes wild.
"Xandra, you need to go change. The smell is making me wild. I have to go feed. I'll be back in 15 minutes." He turned away and walked down the hall to the exit. I went back to the unit to pick up my pass card for the OR change rooms. Will was standing at the desk, finishing his paperwork.
"I heard you'd taken a full ride somewhere in the States." I offered.
"I did. I've been down there since grad, basically."
"So you went to university for paramedics?"
"No, I'm actually a surgeon. I was recruited home by Jim Welsh. I should be starting any time now. But I re-certify as a paramedic every couple years. It's how I paid for med school after my scholarship ran out. So I'm just doing an orientation and licensing ride for the next week or so before I hit the theatres."
"I just left the OR."
"Wasn't stressful enough, so you decided you wanted to run into paramedics sitting on eviscerated laps instead?"
"Something like that. It was nice to see you, but I gotta get changed. I still have a locker in the OR where I keep spare scrubs."
"I'll walk you over." He signed the bottom of the sheet, and smiled up at me. I shrugged and let him follow along.
"I was wondering if anyone from school was still around town." Will started.
"Oh sure. Some of us are lifers here."
"You've never left?"
"Not for long, anyhow." I admitted.
"I doubt I would have left without that scholarship."
"You woulda had to, Will. There was no med school here then."
"Maybe I wouldn't have become a doctor." He shrugged. I stopped at the locker room and swiped my card across the reader. As I pushed open the door, he leaned against the wall and looked kind of wistful. And my repressed teenage heart melted a little.
"What does your wife think of it here?"
"She's the reason I am here." He laughed. I felt a wave of disappointment.
"Well, I guess that's good." I forced a smile.
"She took me for everything I had in the divorce, so I decided to come home and start fresh." He smirked. My breath caught and I felt like we were back in high school for a few minutes, with the internal debate that arose. I was seeing Chris, but I was suddenly back in the throes of my smit with Will from high school. Talk about conflicted over two boys.
"I'm sorry to hear that."
"I'm not. I happily handed it over to be rid of her, and thanked god we never managed to produce kids. She was never interested in coming to Canada with me. She just stayed at home and spent my money."
"That sounds terrible, Will."
"We do stupid things when we are young and in lust."
"I guess we do." I thought of Chris, and wondered if I still qualified as young. Because I was definitely in lust.
"At any rate, Xan, you need to change. I want to catch up though. When are you next off?" He asked.
"Oh, I start days off tomorrow."
"I'd love to take you for dinner tomorrow night." He offered. I smiled.
"Sounds like fun." I scribbled my address and phone number on a sterile 4x4 package and handed it over. He laughed, slipped it into his pocket and gave me another hug. I pulled away to head into the locker room, and was surprised when Will pulled me back again and kissed me. let the door shut and put my arms around his neck and responded. It was better than anything I'd ever imagined when I was in high school.
Being happy in my work, and moving around more than I had in the operating room, I found more of the weight dropping off me. My scrubs were actually getting too big. I wasn't doing as much exercise on my off time, but the pace in the ER, combined with eating healthier was doing me a world of good. The only thing that was really strained in my life was my bizarre relationship with Chris.
When we worked together, I wanted to be in his pocket, I desired him so badly. I hated it when he wasn't working my cases because I wanted to spend my entire shift listening to the lilt of his voice, feeling the coolness of his skin. It distracted me from my work. Not enough that I was making mistakes, but enough that I would catch a glimpse of him and become distracted momentarily. Which wasn't pleasant for the patient if I was starting an IV. Most of our shifts found us sneaking off to an on-call room for a quickie. Not exactly the kind of girl I'd ever been before, but there was something about Chris that made me more daring. I teased him that he had some weird sexual power over me, which he denied, but I wasn't so sure he was telling the truth. I simply craved him when he was near.
When we weren't working together, though, I didn't want to be near him. I dreaded him showing up at my house on days off, or running into him while I was out in the evenings. I couldn't stop myself from revisiting situations when we'd been together, and thinking that I didn't act like myself when we were together. I was so stand-offish away from work that even though most of our co-workers suspected something was going on with us, no one believed it was possible. As far as they knew, we didn't spend time together away from work, and so most people assumed it was an innocent flirtation, where the hot doctor was making the fat wallflower feel better about herself. If only they knew I wasn't the one doing the pursuing.
I found I was engaged in a battle of wills with myself. While I was certainly not going to deny enjoying what occurred when Chris and I would sneak off during break time, I didn't enjoy that the relationship we'd developed only occurred in working hours. I didn't enjoy that when he wasn't around, I found his intentions questionable. And I didn't enjoy knowing that if he lost control I could die. There was so much about him that terrified me. And eventually, that distrust and fear started to breakdown whatever 'spell' I found myself under when we were together. I'd been expecting the enchantment I felt to break for a while, but it surprised me how it did.
It was a hellishly busy night. It had been the first snow of the season, and while in mid-November that wasn't unexpected, there was always a rash of accidents after the snow flew the first time, before people got their winter tires on. To make matters worse, it was a Friday, and a full moon. A new ambulance would arrive almost as quickly as the ambulance bay would clear. We were running off our feet, and there was talk of calling in extra staff and an extra doctor, it was so busy.
I was handing over a prescription to a patient I was discharging. I'd shuffled her out of the curtain she was behind and was giving her discharge orders in the hallway so that the bed could be cleaned faster. I heard an ambulance siren pulling into the bay, and saw Chris and another nurse running for the doors. Obviously the patient in the bus was a mess of some sort.
"Xandra! We'll need you at bed three as soon as they bring this guy in. Grab the crash cart, move the bed!" Chris called to me as he ran by. I smiled apologetically at the girl and ran. I hauled the cart across the ER to the bed I'd just cleared. I was popping the breaks off and shoving the bed down the hall away from the ambulance bay when the stretcher came flying in. There was an paramedic straddling a large man doing chest compressions, which, while it makes for exciting TV, is not something you see in the average ER. His partner was rattling off report to Chris. Karen, the nurse who'd given me my orientation, was switching out IV bags while running. She didn't see to stop when the stretcher did, and bumped hard into the wall.
Chris was into the crash cart immediately and started yelling directions. I hadn't heard the diagnosis of the patient, so it surprised me to see the paramedic was sitting on a blue absorbent pad. I flipped the edge of it and saw a completely saturated large abdominal dressing.
"Uh? Dr. Eriksson? Are you aware this paramedic is sitting on an abdominal wound?" I was passing things to Chris as quickly as he asked for them.
"The partner said there was a laceration. Can you see how bad it is?"
"We're gonna need as many units of blood as we can get, stat. There's a 12 by 36 pad underneath him that is completely soaked." I responded.
"Karen, run!" Chris ordered. Karen dropped what she was doing and headed to the lab.
"What the hell were you thinking?" Chris asked the paramedic, who was still doing compressions.
"I was thinking my ass was the best pressure dressing money could buy, Doctor. Any better ideas?"
Chris seemed taken back by the answer. And then thoughtfully, he nodded.
"Good call. But we need to get you off him so I can assess the wound." Chris shrugged. The paramedic slung his leg back like he was dismounting a horse. He stumbled a little, and fell into me. I caught his hand as he turned to face me, and was struck by how familiar he looked.
"Xan?" He looked astonished. I couldn't quite place him, but his voice was suddenly familiar.
"Who-"
"Alexandra Summers? Holy shit! It's been so long!" He threw his bloody arms around me, much to my disgust, and hugged me. He gave a short squeeze at the end and I recognized the style of hug. My high school crush, Will Carlson. Who'd only ever hugged me once, but I was so smitten that it was forever seared into my memory.
"Will?" I pushed him away to look up at him. Yup. Will Carlson indeed. A little older but still handsome in that rugged, needed to shave and enjoyed Molson Canadian way. He was just a bit shorter than Chris, but otherwise the total opposite. Where Chris was blonde, and trendy and brooding, Will had short dark hair, stubble, a cheek dimple that was always visible because he was always smiling. Just like he'd been in high school. He was still built like an athlete. Will had played hockey in high school. He was on the local junior team, and I'd heard he had a hockey scholarship somewhere in the States, but otherwise hadn't heard much about him since. He held me at arms length, assessing me. He smiled broadly and pulled me into another hug.
"You look fantastic, Xan. We need to catch up."
"Can I have my nurse back please?" Chris asked from behind Will. Will let go of me and looked sheepish. I side-stepped around him and went back to answering every command Chris barked at me until finally, he realized there was no hope and called time of death. I'd been worried about my scrubs after Will had hugged me, but they were worse by the time Chris and I stopped working on the guy. Chris stomped away, furious.
"Dr. Eriksson?" I followed him out into the hallway. He slammed his palm against the wall and cursed. I put my hand on his shoulder. He turned around, fangs out, eyes wild.
"Xandra, you need to go change. The smell is making me wild. I have to go feed. I'll be back in 15 minutes." He turned away and walked down the hall to the exit. I went back to the unit to pick up my pass card for the OR change rooms. Will was standing at the desk, finishing his paperwork.
"I heard you'd taken a full ride somewhere in the States." I offered.
"I did. I've been down there since grad, basically."
"So you went to university for paramedics?"
"No, I'm actually a surgeon. I was recruited home by Jim Welsh. I should be starting any time now. But I re-certify as a paramedic every couple years. It's how I paid for med school after my scholarship ran out. So I'm just doing an orientation and licensing ride for the next week or so before I hit the theatres."
"I just left the OR."
"Wasn't stressful enough, so you decided you wanted to run into paramedics sitting on eviscerated laps instead?"
"Something like that. It was nice to see you, but I gotta get changed. I still have a locker in the OR where I keep spare scrubs."
"I'll walk you over." He signed the bottom of the sheet, and smiled up at me. I shrugged and let him follow along.
"I was wondering if anyone from school was still around town." Will started.
"Oh sure. Some of us are lifers here."
"You've never left?"
"Not for long, anyhow." I admitted.
"I doubt I would have left without that scholarship."
"You woulda had to, Will. There was no med school here then."
"Maybe I wouldn't have become a doctor." He shrugged. I stopped at the locker room and swiped my card across the reader. As I pushed open the door, he leaned against the wall and looked kind of wistful. And my repressed teenage heart melted a little.
"What does your wife think of it here?"
"She's the reason I am here." He laughed. I felt a wave of disappointment.
"Well, I guess that's good." I forced a smile.
"She took me for everything I had in the divorce, so I decided to come home and start fresh." He smirked. My breath caught and I felt like we were back in high school for a few minutes, with the internal debate that arose. I was seeing Chris, but I was suddenly back in the throes of my smit with Will from high school. Talk about conflicted over two boys.
"I'm sorry to hear that."
"I'm not. I happily handed it over to be rid of her, and thanked god we never managed to produce kids. She was never interested in coming to Canada with me. She just stayed at home and spent my money."
"That sounds terrible, Will."
"We do stupid things when we are young and in lust."
"I guess we do." I thought of Chris, and wondered if I still qualified as young. Because I was definitely in lust.
"At any rate, Xan, you need to change. I want to catch up though. When are you next off?" He asked.
"Oh, I start days off tomorrow."
"I'd love to take you for dinner tomorrow night." He offered. I smiled.
"Sounds like fun." I scribbled my address and phone number on a sterile 4x4 package and handed it over. He laughed, slipped it into his pocket and gave me another hug. I pulled away to head into the locker room, and was surprised when Will pulled me back again and kissed me. let the door shut and put my arms around his neck and responded. It was better than anything I'd ever imagined when I was in high school.
Saturday, October 10, 2009
Thanksgiving
This is the Thanksgiving weekend in Canada, and as such, I thought I'd break my exhaustion-induced silence with a post about things I am grateful for. It's always very humbling to count the blessings in my daily life, I think, because it reminds me of how good I have it, and how even though sometimes the road is rocky, I still have a good good life.
• Beaker is back to work, as of thursday.
• Beaker and I have been married 4 years, as of thursday, without a major dust-up.
• I have been working full-time hours at my casual position, between 3 difference facilities.
• I love my job. This is huge because I thought I would hate gerontology.
• I have parents and in-laws who are willing to take Punkin so I can continue to work full-time hours at my casual position and build my seniority in order to qualify for an actual position with benefits when one comes available.
• We were able to pay all our bills on time while Beaker was on lay-off.
• We never missed a mortgage payment while Beaker was on lay-off.
• The manager of home and community care LOVES me and has said she can't wait until she can give me a full-time job.
• The care-coordinator at 2 of the facilities I am working at seems to like me a great deal, and is actively trying to find hours for me.
• The care-coordinator at the other facility that I work at also thinks I'm pretty good.
• I like the care-aides I'm working with. And some of them think I'm awesome.
• My daughter is happy and healthy
• My daughter is potty trained during the day
• My daughter speaks in full, clear sentences.
• My daughter has an excellent sense of humour. She actually understand irony already.
• My daughter can self-amuse and self-direct her play for hours. She has an amazing imagination.
• My viscount wants to keep fighting for me.
• My viscount's wife is an awesome woman who I am grateful to have in my life
• A kiss is all it takes to cure all that wounds Punkin
• My PVR records all my favourite shows so I can watch them at my leisure
• My worm composter is healthy and happy
• My garden produced food that we ate this year! Peas, a teeny zucchini, broccoli, lettuce, tomatoes, strawberries and HERBS!
• I am healthy, and according to my most recent pregnancy test, not pregnant. Even though I haven't had a period since I started work in August.
• I own a beautiful house, and it will become more beautiful now that both Beaker and I are working. I have plans, baby.
• I live in a good city, in a good province, in one of the best countries in the world. I am lucky to have been born Canadian.
• I live nowhere near the chaos and mess that will be the 2010 Winter Olympics.
• I sing every day. Sometimes just 'London Bridge', but everyday, I get to sing.
• My daughter is a budding composer, currently singing 'You want to read me a boooooooook! If you don't I will spank your buuuuuuuuuuuuuuum!'
• Punkin finds time outs and being sent to her room much more traumatizing than spankings. So she hasn't been spanked in about 2 months.
• My neighbours on the left are pretty cool.
• My neighbours on the right are okay too, I suppose.
• I'm test driving a new skin cream, and so far it's not bothering me.
That's what I was able to come up with in the 20 minutes I've been waiting to let the special conditioner I'm trying on my hair set. It's time for me to go have a shower and take my girl shopping. Which is something else I'm grateful for. I live in a culture where we can come and go as we please, where we can go buy vegetables without breaking the bank, indulge in retail therapy that allows us to express our diversity and difference and express our feelings how we see fit. And if that means a tickle fight in the middle of the mall, so be it.
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Evenings
There's nothing like the dark silence of a lockdown ward for aggressive dementia patients to creep the poop out of you.
1 more evening shift, and then I promise you some Bad Things.
1 more evening shift, and then I promise you some Bad Things.
Sunday, September 20, 2009
A very Good Thing
So I just cut and pasted Bad Things into Word. Seems as though inspiration has struck - it's 13000 words long. The reason I wanted to see was because I'm thinking about tackling NaNoWriMo again, and I'm trying to think up a story. So I thought I'd see how far Bad Things had gone, considering I'm still interested in it, and as it's nearly 1/3 the length I'd need for NaNoWriMo, I think I could actually pull off a whole 50000 in November, if I knew beforehand what I was writing.
Hmmm...More vampires? Or is that too cliché right now?
Hmmm...More vampires? Or is that too cliché right now?
Bad Things (11)
After the relative calm of the OR, the ER was utter insanity.
I knew during report that it was going to be crazy. There were two or three car accidents that had come in shortly before shift change, which was backing things up fiercely. Combined with the usual raft of sniffles, aches, twisted ankles and upset stomachs that fill up the waiting room of the average Emergency Room, the place was hopping.
Eric's presence filled the small nursing station. He was sitting at the desk, making notes on one of the patient files when I first saw him and my breath caught. He looked so in his element, confident, commanding and just oozing raw sexuality. He glanced up, caught me staring and winked before returning to his report.
The nurse orienting me to the floor caught the gesture and smirked.
"Don't mind Dr. Eriksson, Alexandra. He's a horrible flirt, but rumour has it he's dating someone from another floor right now." Karen sounded unimpressed.
"So I've heard," I shrugged, "but he's not really my type. Too tall. Too blonde. Too flashy."
She laughed and we continued the quick tour before knuckling down to try to clear some patients out. I took history after history, handed out urine spec cups, and puke dishes. Karen came and found me as I held the hair of a teenage girl while she vomited into a garbage pail.
"Ready for dinner?" Her timing was impeccable. I was starving.
"Yes!" I resettled the girl on her stretcher, and headed to the staff room to grab my lunchbag. We escaped to the cafeteria, which was empty and quiet.
"So you came from OR?" Karen was making polite small talk. I indulged, determined to settle into my new position, even though I was concerned that my relationship with Chris would somehow come up.
"Yeah. I saw the line and thought it would be a good experience. I don't have kids or anything so straight nights isn't that big a deal."
"Man, I'd love to work in the OR. Patient out cold the whole time, no call bells to answer, no family to deal with. No drunk, puking teenage girls." Karen had a dreamy quality as she described what she thought was nirvana.
"Mmmhmm. Standing in one position holding an instrument for 8 hours during a transplant surgery. Kneeling on a moving stretcher doing chest compressions, while the team is wheeling a coding surgery out into ICU so that they don't die in the OR. Med students barfing in the cans the first time they smell cautery, or worse, onto the open patient. Suctioning 3 pints of blood out of a chest trauma. The smell of terminal cancer when you open up a young father who's been complaining about stomach cramps. It's a cake walk in the OR." I was sarcastic. Every nursing position has its trials and difficulties. Karen looked appropriately chastized.
"Did you take the OR specialty?" She changed the topic, just enough to keep it on where I'd come from, without making it sound like she was talking down about it anymore.
"Yeah. It was an excellent course. Very worthwhile if you seriously want to consider the OR. You can't really work in the theatres without it."
"So why the ER? Why not something more relaxing?" She asked.
"It was time for a change." I shrugged.
"Well, you got an interesting rotation. 4 nights, 4 docs, 2 teams." Karen pulled a face. By interesting, she clearly mean terrible.
"I'll manage. Once I find me footing, it'll be fine. I've dealt with most of the docs in the hospital at one point or another through the OR."
"Can I call you Alex?" She asked. I flinched and shook my head
"I prefer Xandra." I looked at my watch, "Well, let's get back to it."
We returned to the chaos and were up to our necks in work for hours. It appeared my orientation was over, as I lost Karen in the haste of working, but I was keeping my head above water, so to speak. I took a chart to the station after assessing the patient and handed it to Chris.
"You need to see this guy next."
"Xandra, there are three traumas I need to see to right now." Chris admonished. Doctors never like being told what to do, regardless of whether it's from their walking-blood-donor-come-reincarnated-lover or not.
"Are they stable traumas?" I asked. It sounded like an oxymoron, but some traumas are not inherently life-threatening. Chris sighed and looked down at the chart I'd handed him.
"Xandra, this looks like a pretty cut and dried gastritis." The undercurrent of his tone was that he couldn't believe I was wasting his time.
"Look at his vitals. And he's grey. And making no sense. His history is sketchy because he's confused, but I checked his record and he was in a few days ago after a bar fight. At the time he was complaining of some stomach pain, but primarily the issue was the fight bite and stitches he needed. But he looks like maybe a perforated and septic bowel just on external exam." I explained. Chris walked to the curtain and went in. I followed and stood behind him as he assessed the guy.
"Nurse, can you get me the glucometre, and then notify xray that I need an abdominal series?" He asked.
"Pardon?" The guy's blood sugar wouldn't be an issue with a perforated bowel.
"The glucometre. Now." Chris's tone brooked no argument. I grabbed the machine from the station and brought it in to him and then went to call x-ray. Chris met me back in the nursing station.
"You're right. He's septic."
"How did you figure that out with just a glucometre?" I was confused.
"Connect the dots, Xandra." Chris raised an eyebrow and flashed me some fang, and and got it. He'd used the glucometre as a handy way to sample the patient's blood, and could likely taste the infection.
"Oh, Chris, gross." I gagged. He laughed and leaned close to whisper in my ear.
"You're due another break. Meet me in the cafeteria in five."
I found Karen and let her know I was going on my break and headed to the cafeteria. Housekeeping had been through and cleaned and turned all but the auxillary lights off, as it was nearing 3am. Chris was standing just inside the door and as I entered, he took my hand and led me back out.
"Where are we going?"
"The 5th floor lounge."
"The med student lounge? Won't some of them be up there?"
"No. They're writing exams next week, they're all off studying." He led me on to the staff elevator and selected the floor. As the doors shut, he pushed me to the back of the elevator and started kissing me. It was hot. I responded. We barely made it off the elevator, we were already so entangled in one anothers limbs. He pulled away to lead me down the hall to the lounge.
Sure enough, it was empty, and after he tugged me through the doorway, he shut the door, locked it and pulled me to him again. He was fumbling with my scrub top, trying to pull it over my head while I tugged at his t-shirt. He finally broke away from kissing me, pulled my top off and then pulled his off. He pushed me down on the couch and started trailing kisses down my neck and chest. I tilted my head to one side, thinking he needed to feed. He made his way up to my mouth again.
"Hungry?" I managed between kisses.
"Not for blood. Just you." He growled. I was surprised and turned on. We hadn't actually been together sexually yet. It didn't seem right that it was going to be on the couch in the med student lounge, but at the same time, I was in no mood to say no.
"Next time it better be in a more romantic location." I demanded as I tore his belt open.
I knew during report that it was going to be crazy. There were two or three car accidents that had come in shortly before shift change, which was backing things up fiercely. Combined with the usual raft of sniffles, aches, twisted ankles and upset stomachs that fill up the waiting room of the average Emergency Room, the place was hopping.
Eric's presence filled the small nursing station. He was sitting at the desk, making notes on one of the patient files when I first saw him and my breath caught. He looked so in his element, confident, commanding and just oozing raw sexuality. He glanced up, caught me staring and winked before returning to his report.
The nurse orienting me to the floor caught the gesture and smirked.
"Don't mind Dr. Eriksson, Alexandra. He's a horrible flirt, but rumour has it he's dating someone from another floor right now." Karen sounded unimpressed.
"So I've heard," I shrugged, "but he's not really my type. Too tall. Too blonde. Too flashy."
She laughed and we continued the quick tour before knuckling down to try to clear some patients out. I took history after history, handed out urine spec cups, and puke dishes. Karen came and found me as I held the hair of a teenage girl while she vomited into a garbage pail.
"Ready for dinner?" Her timing was impeccable. I was starving.
"Yes!" I resettled the girl on her stretcher, and headed to the staff room to grab my lunchbag. We escaped to the cafeteria, which was empty and quiet.
"So you came from OR?" Karen was making polite small talk. I indulged, determined to settle into my new position, even though I was concerned that my relationship with Chris would somehow come up.
"Yeah. I saw the line and thought it would be a good experience. I don't have kids or anything so straight nights isn't that big a deal."
"Man, I'd love to work in the OR. Patient out cold the whole time, no call bells to answer, no family to deal with. No drunk, puking teenage girls." Karen had a dreamy quality as she described what she thought was nirvana.
"Mmmhmm. Standing in one position holding an instrument for 8 hours during a transplant surgery. Kneeling on a moving stretcher doing chest compressions, while the team is wheeling a coding surgery out into ICU so that they don't die in the OR. Med students barfing in the cans the first time they smell cautery, or worse, onto the open patient. Suctioning 3 pints of blood out of a chest trauma. The smell of terminal cancer when you open up a young father who's been complaining about stomach cramps. It's a cake walk in the OR." I was sarcastic. Every nursing position has its trials and difficulties. Karen looked appropriately chastized.
"Did you take the OR specialty?" She changed the topic, just enough to keep it on where I'd come from, without making it sound like she was talking down about it anymore.
"Yeah. It was an excellent course. Very worthwhile if you seriously want to consider the OR. You can't really work in the theatres without it."
"So why the ER? Why not something more relaxing?" She asked.
"It was time for a change." I shrugged.
"Well, you got an interesting rotation. 4 nights, 4 docs, 2 teams." Karen pulled a face. By interesting, she clearly mean terrible.
"I'll manage. Once I find me footing, it'll be fine. I've dealt with most of the docs in the hospital at one point or another through the OR."
"Can I call you Alex?" She asked. I flinched and shook my head
"I prefer Xandra." I looked at my watch, "Well, let's get back to it."
We returned to the chaos and were up to our necks in work for hours. It appeared my orientation was over, as I lost Karen in the haste of working, but I was keeping my head above water, so to speak. I took a chart to the station after assessing the patient and handed it to Chris.
"You need to see this guy next."
"Xandra, there are three traumas I need to see to right now." Chris admonished. Doctors never like being told what to do, regardless of whether it's from their walking-blood-donor-come-reincarnated-lover or not.
"Are they stable traumas?" I asked. It sounded like an oxymoron, but some traumas are not inherently life-threatening. Chris sighed and looked down at the chart I'd handed him.
"Xandra, this looks like a pretty cut and dried gastritis." The undercurrent of his tone was that he couldn't believe I was wasting his time.
"Look at his vitals. And he's grey. And making no sense. His history is sketchy because he's confused, but I checked his record and he was in a few days ago after a bar fight. At the time he was complaining of some stomach pain, but primarily the issue was the fight bite and stitches he needed. But he looks like maybe a perforated and septic bowel just on external exam." I explained. Chris walked to the curtain and went in. I followed and stood behind him as he assessed the guy.
"Nurse, can you get me the glucometre, and then notify xray that I need an abdominal series?" He asked.
"Pardon?" The guy's blood sugar wouldn't be an issue with a perforated bowel.
"The glucometre. Now." Chris's tone brooked no argument. I grabbed the machine from the station and brought it in to him and then went to call x-ray. Chris met me back in the nursing station.
"You're right. He's septic."
"How did you figure that out with just a glucometre?" I was confused.
"Connect the dots, Xandra." Chris raised an eyebrow and flashed me some fang, and and got it. He'd used the glucometre as a handy way to sample the patient's blood, and could likely taste the infection.
"Oh, Chris, gross." I gagged. He laughed and leaned close to whisper in my ear.
"You're due another break. Meet me in the cafeteria in five."
I found Karen and let her know I was going on my break and headed to the cafeteria. Housekeeping had been through and cleaned and turned all but the auxillary lights off, as it was nearing 3am. Chris was standing just inside the door and as I entered, he took my hand and led me back out.
"Where are we going?"
"The 5th floor lounge."
"The med student lounge? Won't some of them be up there?"
"No. They're writing exams next week, they're all off studying." He led me on to the staff elevator and selected the floor. As the doors shut, he pushed me to the back of the elevator and started kissing me. It was hot. I responded. We barely made it off the elevator, we were already so entangled in one anothers limbs. He pulled away to lead me down the hall to the lounge.
Sure enough, it was empty, and after he tugged me through the doorway, he shut the door, locked it and pulled me to him again. He was fumbling with my scrub top, trying to pull it over my head while I tugged at his t-shirt. He finally broke away from kissing me, pulled my top off and then pulled his off. He pushed me down on the couch and started trailing kisses down my neck and chest. I tilted my head to one side, thinking he needed to feed. He made his way up to my mouth again.
"Hungry?" I managed between kisses.
"Not for blood. Just you." He growled. I was surprised and turned on. We hadn't actually been together sexually yet. It didn't seem right that it was going to be on the couch in the med student lounge, but at the same time, I was in no mood to say no.
"Next time it better be in a more romantic location." I demanded as I tore his belt open.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Bad Things (10)
I had no idea what possessed me (okay, I had a fairly good idea), but I found myself applying for the straight nights rotation in the ER. I filled in the internal posting bid form, elaborated on my experience and slipped the page into the application box. It was done.
I was terrified and fascinated by Christian. The effect he had on me was frightening. When we were together, I found myself allowing him to feed off me. I would defer to his wishes, thinking they were my own and then only recall what I wanted after we were apart. And now, his influence was great enough over me that I was applying for a position where I would be in closer contact with him.
I was probably insane. Tainted by some vampiric virus that leeched my personal will away. I shuddered to think about it, hoping I wouldn't become some useless, enslaved, will-less being. I shook off my doubts and hurried off to work. We were busy all day, but I was finally pulled away by a phone call. It was the care coordinator for the ER, letting me know that as the only applicant for the nights position, it was mine. She'd already made arrangements with my manager to move down the next night.
"Your rotation is a bit of a mess right now. Your position is a shift-bridge. So your first two nights you work with one team, the next two you work with another." Kate had been my preceptor when I was in my final rotation in nursing school.
"Is there a doc permanently in that rotation?" I asked, hopeful and frightened at the same time.
"The way your rotation generally falls, you have a different doc each night. You get Eriksson on day 1, doctor of the day on day 2, Smith on day three and McTavish on day 4. They're all pretty good to the nursing staff. The doc of the day is hit or miss for obvious reasons." She explained, "I was really surprised to see your application, Xandra. I thought you loved the OR."
"I do, but it was time for a change." I lied. I didn't want to leave my job, but had felt compeled. I was both delighted and disappointed that I would only be working with Chris once every rotation. I knew his rotation well enough now that I knew he had no days off in common with me, so if I were able to shake his influence, I would only have to work with him once every nine days, and wouldn't see him otherwise.
It seemed strange to be so conflicted about him, but I knew something wasn't right within the relationship he had sought out with me. He thought I was some long lost lover. I didn't really believe in reincarnation, so I couldn't accept that. But he was so certain. And he was so beautiful, and thoughtful, that most of the time I didn't mind. It was when he wasn't around that I doubted him and his intentions. When we were apart, I suspected he had fed me some sordid story so that I would tilt my neck whenever he was hungry. That he had some sort of power over me that made me want him to do it.
The inner conflict I felt made me think of my grandmother, who'd once told me that men weren't really worth it in the end. It used to make me laugh, but her words rung in my ears now that I was so tormented about my feelings for Christian.
If you feel one way when he's around, and another when he's gone, then he's trouble with a capital T. No matter how pretty his face is, or how nicely he fills out his jeans. Mark my words, Alexandra. I remembered laughing in surprise at the words at the time, but I could hear her voice echoing in my memory more and more often where Christian was concerned.
"Well, Xan, I'm really looking forward to having you on our team. I know it's a sudden switch but we're desperately short staffed, and Erica said she could let you go right away."
"Thanks Kate."
I was terrified and fascinated by Christian. The effect he had on me was frightening. When we were together, I found myself allowing him to feed off me. I would defer to his wishes, thinking they were my own and then only recall what I wanted after we were apart. And now, his influence was great enough over me that I was applying for a position where I would be in closer contact with him.
I was probably insane. Tainted by some vampiric virus that leeched my personal will away. I shuddered to think about it, hoping I wouldn't become some useless, enslaved, will-less being. I shook off my doubts and hurried off to work. We were busy all day, but I was finally pulled away by a phone call. It was the care coordinator for the ER, letting me know that as the only applicant for the nights position, it was mine. She'd already made arrangements with my manager to move down the next night.
"Your rotation is a bit of a mess right now. Your position is a shift-bridge. So your first two nights you work with one team, the next two you work with another." Kate had been my preceptor when I was in my final rotation in nursing school.
"Is there a doc permanently in that rotation?" I asked, hopeful and frightened at the same time.
"The way your rotation generally falls, you have a different doc each night. You get Eriksson on day 1, doctor of the day on day 2, Smith on day three and McTavish on day 4. They're all pretty good to the nursing staff. The doc of the day is hit or miss for obvious reasons." She explained, "I was really surprised to see your application, Xandra. I thought you loved the OR."
"I do, but it was time for a change." I lied. I didn't want to leave my job, but had felt compeled. I was both delighted and disappointed that I would only be working with Chris once every rotation. I knew his rotation well enough now that I knew he had no days off in common with me, so if I were able to shake his influence, I would only have to work with him once every nine days, and wouldn't see him otherwise.
It seemed strange to be so conflicted about him, but I knew something wasn't right within the relationship he had sought out with me. He thought I was some long lost lover. I didn't really believe in reincarnation, so I couldn't accept that. But he was so certain. And he was so beautiful, and thoughtful, that most of the time I didn't mind. It was when he wasn't around that I doubted him and his intentions. When we were apart, I suspected he had fed me some sordid story so that I would tilt my neck whenever he was hungry. That he had some sort of power over me that made me want him to do it.
The inner conflict I felt made me think of my grandmother, who'd once told me that men weren't really worth it in the end. It used to make me laugh, but her words rung in my ears now that I was so tormented about my feelings for Christian.
If you feel one way when he's around, and another when he's gone, then he's trouble with a capital T. No matter how pretty his face is, or how nicely he fills out his jeans. Mark my words, Alexandra. I remembered laughing in surprise at the words at the time, but I could hear her voice echoing in my memory more and more often where Christian was concerned.
"Well, Xan, I'm really looking forward to having you on our team. I know it's a sudden switch but we're desperately short staffed, and Erica said she could let you go right away."
"Thanks Kate."
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